As far as I’m concerned, sex is meant to be a marathon, not a sprint. Yet quickies aside, my sexual escapades are often shorter than I want them to be—and I’m not the only one who feels this way. Studies show that sexual intercourse lasts anywhere from three to seven minutes on average, but sex therapists revealed that intercourse lasting between seven and 13 minutes is the most “desirable.” Obviously, everyone’s preferences vary greatly, but if there’s one thing I think we can all agree on, it’s that it can be frustrating as hell when sex is regularly shorter than we’d like it to be.
There are plenty of tips for making sex better in the moment, but we don’t often talk about how to make that moment last just a tad longer. So, I tapped some pros for their advice on how to have better, longer, and more satisfying intercourse. Ahead, five foolproof tips that can help make sex last longer (and feel better, too), according to sexual wellness experts.
1. Engage in “pre-foreplay”
Contrary to popular belief, prolonging sex doesn’t mean you have to strictly focus on making intercourse or insertion last longer. Sex encompasses a range of activities, after all, so prolonging the buildup to the event is one of the easiest ways to enhance the experience. For this reason, Sexologist and Relationship Expert Dr. Pepper Schwartz swears by incorporating “pre-foreplay” into your sex life.
According to Dr. Schwartz, “pre-foreplay” essentially refers to performing intimate and seductive behavior with your partner before any purely sexual parts of the body have been touched. This includes things such as taking a shower together, giving each other massages, and so forth. Regardless of the activity, Dr. Schwartz says pre-foreplay can make it feel like sex has started before it’s really begun. Better yet, it can also help get your mind and body ready for sex by increasing relaxation, which can lead to more satisfying sexual experiences.
READ: 10 Ways to Initiate Sex That Don’t Involve Awkward Petting
2. Keep your mind clear during sex
I know I’m not alone in saying that vacation sex is the best sex; it’s easier to shut out the world and stay present during sex when you’re away. This is a stark juxtaposition to how we operate at home. Founder and Director of female-focused ethical porn website Sssh.com, Angie Rowntree, says that factors such as the daily grind, stress, and emotional strain can all affect performance in bed. On top of making arousal more challenging, this can also make vaginal intercourse uncomfortable, unenjoyable, or even downright painful.
Unsurprisingly, none of this bodes well for a long romp in the sheets and is exactly why Rowntree swears that the key to maintaining and creating a more satisfying sex life comes down to prioritizing your well-being. So, find ways to de-stress regularly (think: going for walks, reading, or meditating), and practice mindfulness daily. The latter can help you stay present during sex and subsequently increase the likelihood of it lasting longer. Plus, it’ll teach you how to tune into your senses, which will be beneficial anytime you’re distracted during sex. Doing things like refocusing on your breath, the sounds your partner’s making, the sensations you’re experiencing, and the like will help bring you back to the present moment.
3. Use desensitizer lubricants
Using lube during sex is a surefire way to enhance the experience, and using desensitizer lubricants can help you and your partner last longer in bed, says Marla Renee Stewart, MA, CSE, and sexologist for sexual wellness brand Lovers. Desensitizers work by gently numbing the skin or genitals to reduce sensitivity to that area so sex lasts longer. While this is particularly beneficial for men struggling with premature ejaculation, it’s equally helpful for women dealing with vaginal hypersensitivity that makes sex painful or unenjoyable. Regardless, desensitizer lubricants let you experiment with new sensations and help you spend a little bit more time between the sheets, which is a win for all parties involved.
4. Make foreplay more playful
It’s no secret that foreplay is a crucial part of sex, especially for women, since it takes us longer to get aroused than our male counterparts. Typically, foreplay includes oral sex, kissing, touching, and more—basically any sexual stimulation besides intercourse that feels good and gets you excited. Yet, there are times when this prelude to intercourse feels more utilitarian than thrilling. We focus so hard on getting aroused that we end up going through the motions and rushing the process.
READ: 12 Foreplay Ideas That’ll Actually Get You in the Mood
Making foreplay more playful is the perfect antidote to this. Dr. Schwartz says this means going above and beyond what you think will make a woman wet or a man hard and playing with your partner’s body lavishly and attentively. Trailing your fingers across their skin, having them rub body oil on you, and cuddling while you’re both naked are some ways you can do this. According to Dr. Schwartz, the key is to do more than just stimulate the erogenous zones. In this instance, it’s all about the journey rather than the destination, and adopting this mindset will subsequently prolong foreplay and sex, by extension.
READ: 6 Tricks to Making Your Sex Life More Playful & Passionate
5. Try edging
For those unfamiliar with the practice, edging is a form of orgasm control that deliberately delays climax. With this practice, you’re taken to the brink of having an orgasm and back again, which might sound exhausting but is actually incredibly effective and utterly euphoric. Rowntree says that this not only encourages endurance for sex but also makes “the eventual orgasmic release much more powerful.”
During partnered sex, Dr. Schwartz says, “Back off a bit when [your partner] starts to get near an orgasm so that the excitement remains but is not over the top.” This might mean decreasing the amount of vaginal insertion, thrusting, or touching, or temporarily ceasing oral sex and making out with your partner instead. Do this a few times, depending on yours and your partner’s preferences, before eventually relinquishing control to an orgasm. You can try this during masturbation, too, if you want to experiment with the sensation and practice.
READ: Edging Can Make Your Orgasms Feel 10x More Euphoric
At the end of the day, the most important thing to remember is that what constitutes “longer” sex is subjective. Although the average duration of intercourse is anywhere from three to seven minutes, Rowntree says, “What matters most is that you both feel good and satisfied when all is said and done.” If that means keeping sex within the average timeframe, great! But if not, that’s fine, too. Don’t worry so much about the time stamp on the clock. Instead, take the pressure off yourself by enjoying the process, however long that may be.
Experts Consulted:
Dr. Pepper Schwartz
Dr. Pepper Schwartz is a celebrated sexologist and relationship expert. She is currently an advisor for the direct-to-patient healthcare company, Ro and a relationship expert for the hit TV series Married at First Sight. Dr. Pepper has expertise across all women’s sexual health and relationship topics.
Angie Rowntree
Angie Rowntree is the founder and director of Sssh.com, an award-winning ethical porn website made for women and couples. Rowntree’s female-led and female-focused content pushes boundaries as its purpose is to help women and couples alike explore pleasure that stimulates both the mind and the body. She was inducted into the Adult Video News Hall of Fame and has been profiled by a variety of major media outlets, including ABC’s Nightline, CNBC, Fox, Cosmopolitan, NPR, BBC, and TIME magazine.
Marla Renee Stewart, MA
Marla Renee Stewart, MA, is an award-winning certified Sexologist and Sexual Strategist, Intimacy and Relationship Coach, and educator with over 20 years’ experience studying human sexuality. She is the owner of Velvet Lips, a sexuality education company, Co-Founder of the Sex Down South Conference, and sexpert for sexual wellness brand Lovers. She also co-wrote the 2020 book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay with Dr. Jessica O’Reilly.
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