Maybe you’ve been there: You show up to your friend group’s planned brunch and you notice everyone is wearing a white dress… and you’re in a bright floral maxi, sticking out like a sore thumb. Maybe they are all laughing at the same inside joke that they “swear” you were there for, but you’re certain you’ve never heard that joke in your life. Or maybe it wasn’t subtle. The Instagram stories made it clear—everyone else was there. Just not… you.
There is a special kind of sting that comes from realizing you’re being left out. So, what do you do when you have that pit in your stomach that just won’t go away? Well, since we’ve been there (sigh), we are breaking down exactly what to do when you suspect (or you’re certain) you’re being left out of your friend group.
1. Zoom out to gain perspective
When you feel like you’re being left out, it’s totally normal to feel a mix of emotions: hurt, confusion, frustration, and even a dash of embarrassment. You may be thinking, “These people that I thought were my people don’t want me in their group.” “What’s wrong with me?” “Am I annoying or weird or worse… unlikeable?!” But before you go into full-on “all my friends hate me” mode, it’s best to take a step back from the situation to gain perspective.
Let’s consider some of the reasons why you may have been left out. Sometimes people plan things quickly without thinking everything through, or sometimes it has to do with logistics, like they thought you wouldn’t be able to come because of XYZ. Sometimes it’s forgetfulness, and sometimes (hard pill to swallow) it is intentional.
Regardless, being able to zoom out and assess the situation can allow you to better understand what’s happening and why. Plus, it lets you feel your feelings and take a deep breath. The one thing you don’t want to do? Respond impulsively without clearly analyzing the why.
2. Ask Yourself: Is this a pattern or a one-off occurrence?
If it feels like a fluke, then it may have been. A one-off occurrence is forgivable and not always laced with malicious intent, but if you start to notice a pattern forming, there might be something deeper going on. Good friends are never going to intentionally leave you out of a planned event or activity, unless, of course, they have a good surprise for you up their sleeve. That’s just the bottom line. Good friends also shouldn’t be so forgetful or impulsive that you end up feeling left out all the time, even if it is unintentional.
So if you start to notice you’re left out again and again, you should ask yourself some questions: Are you giving more to these friendships than you’re getting back? Do plans happen more with you than they do without you? When you hang out with them, more often times than not, do you feel like an outsider? Patterns are often very telling, so reflecting on the past can help you unveil the truth and give you clarity.
“You set the standards for the relationships in your life. You don’t have to allow anything that makes you feel unimportant.”
3. Talk with someone you trust
Instead of confronting the entire friend group (as tempting as it may be in the moment), choose one person you trust and talk to them about how you’re feeling. When reaching out to them, be honest about how you feel while still keeping the tone light, not accusatory. This gives you the chance to get clarity without putting them on the defensive.
If you’re discussing a one-time occurrence, a text would be appropriate, but if this has been going on for a while and you’re wanting to talk through an entire timeline of events, an in-person chat may be better. Try approaching the conversation like this: “Hey [friend’s name], I noticed the other day that a few people got together for a girls’ night. I wasn’t sure if it was a small hang or a more planned-out thing, but I just wanted to check in with you about it.”
How they respond to this will tell you a lot about the reality of the situation. Do they get defensive anyway? This could tell you that they may already feel guilty about having left you out. Do they sound genuine in their response about how it played out and why you weren’t included? This could help you see a different perspective and not take it as personally.
4. Find other places you feel included
There’s no way around it: Feeling excluded sucks. And while it’s easy to focus on the friend group that made you feel left out and ruminate about the situation in your head, leaning on the people in your life who do make you feel seen can be one of the most healing things you can do for yourself. So, who in your life always invites you and makes you feel included? Who always brings you joy and makes you feel uplifted? Reach out to these people and invite them to go on a coffee walk with you or out for dinner.
“With the right people, you’ll never be wondering if there is a separate group chat without you in it. You’ll just know you belong.”
If you don’t have these people in your life yet, it is always the time and the place to make new friends. Try introducing yourself to people at your gym, strike up a conversation with the barista, and sign up for an in-person event. You never know what types of connections you can make. The more you fill your life with people who prioritize you and show genuine care and attention toward you, the better off you’ll be.
READ: This Is Where Millennials and Gen-Zers Are Actually Making New Friends
5. Reflect on what you want from your friendships
Adult friendships can be complicated. Sometimes you outgrow people you were once friends with. Sometimes life takes you in separate ways. And sometimes, you realize you’re giving way more energy to the friendship than they are. Feeling left out can bring up a whole lot of emotions and can lead to friendship breakups. While all these feelings are still fresh, go ahead and reflect on what you want from your adult friends. The following questions can act as a gut check and help you move forward feeling confident about the types of friendships you want to build in the future.
- Who do I feel like my best, fullest version of myself around?
- What are some qualities in friends that I really love?
- How do I want to feel when I’m around my friends?
- What are some things I don’t want to feel when I’m around friends?
From here, remember that you set the standards for the relationships in your life. You don’t have to allow anything that makes you feel unimportant. And more importantly, you are capable and worthy of having the types of friendships that make you feel valued. If your friends do make you feel this way, despite a one-off occurrence, great! If not, maybe it’s time to prioritize other friendships instead.
READ: 5 Phrases That Helped Me Finally Heal From My Friendship Breakups
6. Remember that you’re not “too” sensitive
Repeat after me: my feelings about this situation are valid, regardless of whether their actions were intentional or not. You’re totally allowed to feel what you feel, and in fact, it’s important that you do. Holding in these feelings will only lead to bitterness toward your friends and will inhibit you from moving forward. So, regardless of how you decide to continue with these friendships, hear and know this: Good friends won’t ever make you question your place. With the right people, you’ll never be wondering if there is a separate group chat without you in it. You’ll just know you belong.
Lauren Barnhill, Contributing Writer
Lauren Barnhill is a freelance writer with a passion for all things fashion, beauty, home, and lifestyle. Beyond The Everygirl, Lauren has written for top outlets including Real Simple, SUCCESS, and BuzzFeed. She is also the voice behind Leisurely, a Substack newsletter all about living an unhurried, intentional life.
The post What to Do When You’re Not in the Group Chat… and You Know It appeared first on The Everygirl.
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