They say “when you know, you know” if someone is right for you, but I am wholly in favor of ignoring that instinct. Personally? I much prefer taking things slow in the romance department. Waiting an exorbitant amount of time before pulling the trigger on life-changing relationship moves, like moving in with a significant other or getting married, is the right call, IMO. And I’m not alone in this sentiment, given everyone’s adoration of the “slow-burn relationship” trope on TikTok and in media.
Two characters falling more in love the more they get to know each other is a tale as old as time. But it’s not reserved for fiction. In fact, experts say that forming a romantic bond gradually and naturally over time could be the secret to securing a happy future together. With that in mind, I set out to learn the benefits of slow-burn relationships. Ahead, why a slow and steady start to a relationship helps you build a lasting connection.
1. It allows you to have a healthy amount of space
It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a blossoming relationship and subsequently spend every waking moment that you possibly can together. And as a society, we’ve been taught that wanting to spend all your time together—and being able to do just that without feeling like you need a break—is a major green flag. While this makes sense in theory, the reality is that space, even in the early days of a burgeoning romance, is a good thing.
According to TikTok user sydnilafleur, taking “healthy amounts of reflection time apart” and really thinking about whether someone is right for you is crucial. Without space, it’s practically impossible to accurately assess how well a potential partner fits in with your non-negotiables, whether you share the same values, and so forth. It’s easy to write off something as big as having different political views when you’re wrapped up in the excitement of getting to know someone and enjoying their company. But differences like this might cause a rift between you down the line, and you might find yourself regretting that you skipped right over important details in the first place.
2. It creates a strong foundation for the relationship
Obviously, we’re drawn to certain partners for a reason. There’s something about them we find attractive, and this entices us to explore the connection further, which, if we’re lucky, will then reveal underlying chemistry and propel the relationship further. It sounds like the natural order of things. Yet, the cold, hard truth is that attraction and chemistry won’t help you weather life’s storms together down the line. The initial lust my husband and I shared for one another didn’t see us through his near job loss or my rapid weight gain from a medical condition. The foundation we’d built throughout our 12-year relationship through trust, connection, and compatibility did.
Dr. Isabelle Morley
Isabelle Morley is a clinical psychologist and EFT-certified couples therapist. She is a contributing author to Psychology Today in her blog Love Them or Leave Them, where she analyzes on-screen romantic relationships. She is also the co-host of Rom-Com Rescue, a podcast that teaches life and love lessons from romantic comedies. She is co-author of Navigating Intimacy: An Introductory Guide to Couples and Sex Therapy.
Likewise, EFT-certified couples therapist Dr. Isabelle Morley says taking things slow helps you to develop conflict management skills as a couple. “If you jump in too fast, you’ll be navigating heightened conflict with significant emotional investment and intensity, which can lead to emotional flooding, ineffective protective responses, and escalations.”
3. It prolongs the honeymoon phase
It’s hard not to go into a frenzied, lust-induced haze at the start of a new relationship. It is, after all, when everything is exciting and new. All you want to do is get lost in one another and give in to your insatiable desires to rip each other’s clothes off every chance you get. But like good food and wine, the honeymoon phase of a relationship should be savored—and the slow burn helps you do just that.
Instead of going all in from the jump, this allows you to take a step back and enjoy the moment. Better yet, it lets you relish in your curiosity and enjoy learning new things about your partner and vice versa. The honeymoon phase is fleeting enough to begin with, and rushing into things immediately only shortens this already-brief period. Plus, taking things slow gives you more time to develop your relationship. It helps you determine how much time you’ll designate for each other, friends, and hobbies, how you’ll spend the holidays, how you’ll bring your lifestyles together, and so forth, which all play a factor in mutual happiness in a relationship.
4. It prioritizes emotional intimacy over physical intimacy
When one of my best friends recently dished about the guy she was seeing, we were equally excited about the fact that he’d taken her on multiple dates and hadn’t brought up sex once. Obviously, taking someone out doesn’t automatically entitle you to a romp in the sheets; however, it was refreshing to hear about a bachelor prioritizing getting to know a potential partner over getting laid.
Shan Boodram, MA
Shan Boodram is a certified sex educator and intimacy expert with a M.S. in Psychology and diploma in print journalism. Boodram is Bumble’s Sex & Relationships Expert, the host of The Marriage Pact on The Roku Channel, the host of the top podcast Lovers and Friends, the workshop facilitator on Netflix’s Too Hot to Handle, and the author of the best-selling book The Game of Desire.
Sex, while important, is not everything in a romantic relationship. According to Bumble’s Resident Sex and Relationships Expert Shan Boodram, the fact that this dating approach emphasizes emotional intimacy over physical intimacy is what “makes the slow burn so powerful.” Sharing your favorite childhood memory or being vulnerable about your needs and what you’re looking for can be just as—if not more so—intimate than intercourse. More importantly, waiting to jump into bed with someone new gives you more time to develop a strong emotional connection. Not only will this make it easier to determine your compatibility but also help you build a strong foundation for a relationship going forward.
5. It removes the pressure to follow a timeline
Although my husband and I have been together for 12 years now, it took us five years to move in together, nine years to get engaged, and 11 years to finally say “I do.” As you can probably imagine, this unconventional timeline earned us a lot of eyebrow raises. For some reason, no one could wrap their head around the fact that we wanted to do things at our own pace, nor could they respect it.
Though society claims to be progressive, the cruel reality is that we’re still judged primarily on the decisions we make in our love lives. This is two-fold for women, namely because we’re often pressured to race against our biological body clocks when it comes to bearing children and simultaneously scaling the career ladder and finding love. Because of this, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we have to dive into relationships and get the ball rolling immediately before it’s too late.
In contrast to society’s narrative, the slow-burn dating approach affirms that it’s OK to do things at your own pace. There is no set “timeline” anyone has to follow; we call the shots on the speed of our relationship progression. Plus, slow-burn romances encourage focusing on yourself and your relationship rather than the purported end goal of tying the knot and having a family. At the end of the day, your happiness, as well as your partner’s, is what matters most. If you can take a step back and savor your blossoming romance instead of getting caught up in a timeline, your relationship will be all the better for it.
Arianna Reardon, Contributing Writer
Arianna is a freelance writer and journalist, and the self-proclaimed hot and dirty martini queen. At The Everygirl, Arianna uses her authenticity and relatability to empower, inspire, and motivate women everywhere. Whether she’s writing about sex and relationships, career and finance, beauty and fashion, wellness, or home and living, Arianna’s passion shines through in all her work.
The post Experts Agree: This Relationship Approach Sets Couples Up to Last appeared first on The Everygirl.
EN 
DE 
FR 
ES