We talk about ways to upgrade our solo play sessions all the time (think: guided masturbation or audio erotica), but there’s one upgrade that doesn’t get the attention it deserves: asking our partner to join us. Mutual masturbation is said to be one of the most connective ways to bring you and your partner closer, both physically and emotionally, and increase satisfaction. And with all that going for it, you’d think that you’d gab about how hot it is over cocktails with your girlfriends, but for some reason, it’s still a criminally underrated technique. I had the opportunity to chat with relationship therapist and Chief Sexologist at SXWA, Dr. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, and I asked her to fill me in on all things mutual masturbation, considering so many of us are missing out on its benefits.
Whether you’re looking to explore new sensations, strengthen trust, or try something a little outside the box, this simple but powerful practice could be exactly what your relationship’s been craving. Ahead, what mutual masturbation is, the benefits, and how to try it, straight from an expert.
Dr. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT
Dr. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Clinical Sexologist, Dating Coach, and the founder of group therapy platform Joy Collective. She serves as Chief Sexologist at SXWA, where she champions radical self-expression, sexual liberation, and holistic wellbeing.
What is mutual masturbation?
Mutual masturbation is exactly what it sounds like: self-pleasure done alongside a partner. Dr. Berkheimer explains that each partner masturbates simultaneously, either with their hands or toys, in front of each other. While this is often associated with phone sex or long-distance situations, Dr. Berkheimer emphasizes how powerful it can be to practice in person. You’ve likely participated in this act without knowing it had a name—I know I have—so learning about ways to enhance the experience can be a game-changer for your sex life.
What are the benefits of mutual masturbation?
It increases confidence
If you’ve ever felt a little shy about self-pleasure or unsure how to share what you like, mutual masturbation might be the gentle and affirming shift you’ve been looking for. Dr. Berkheimer says it “offers powerful benefits for your self-connection and confidence,” and that she views it as a form of self-love and empowerment. Think about it: When we witness and share our pleasure with a partner, we cultivate a deep sense of acceptance and trust in what our bodies naturally desire. This act of vulnerability—quite literally letting yourself be witnessed in your most open state—helps dismantle any feelings of embarrassment or shame around sex. As a whole, mutual masturbation reminds us that our pleasure is just as valid and worthy as our partners.
You learn more about each other’s desires
While mutual masturbation can boost your self-confidence, it also opens up a whole new dimension of possible connection and pleasure in your relationship. “Mutual masturbation creates a shared space where both partners can witness and celebrate each other’s pleasure,” writes Dr. Berkheimer. This allows you to communicate about and experience firsthand the way your partner wants to be touched, opening up conversations about fantasies and erotic zones you might not have known about before. This can make partnered sex even more satisfying, since you both get a front-row tutorial on exactly what gets each other off. With that said, mutual masturbation is more than just a technique—it’s a way to reclaim pleasure on your own terms and build intimacy that feels deeply mutual.
It builds a deeper level of trust
Mutual masturbation can also help build trust in ways that traditional sex sometimes doesn’t. “When your partner willingly engages in a moment that many might consider intimate or exposing, it fosters a sense of safety and mutual respect,” explains Dr. Berkheimer. This kind of safety is foundational to a thriving sex life because it strengthens your emotional bond, making your connection more open, honest, and passionate. Intimacy is about so much more than the act of sex itself, so laying the groundwork of true vulnerability can provide a freer, more vibrant sexual relationship. This can translate to you feeling more relaxed and open during partnered sex, which we know bodes well for orgasming.
“Mutual masturbation is more than just a technique—it’s a way to reclaim pleasure on your own terms and build intimacy that feels deeply mutual.”
It adds variety to your sex life
This technique also works in various contexts. “Some people may choose mutual masturbation because they want to enjoy each other, witness each other, but may not want to be penetrated due to medical reasons, religious reasons, or other reasons,” Dr. Berkheimer notes. Personally, there are times that I want to be intimate with my husband without it leading to sex. Adding this to our toolbox has completely elevated our sex life for the better. Engaging in mutual masturbation has given us so much insight into what feels good to both of us, and it’s helped us slow down and be present without it needing to lead to penetration right away—or at all.
4 mutual masturbation positions to try
1. Mirror Magic
To try this position, sit on the floor or bed facing your partner with your legs open and knees touching or just a few inches apart. Dr. Berkheimer notes that you can prop yourself up on cushions if that feels comfortable to you. From there, begin touching yourselves while holding soft eye contact.
Eye contact isn’t required to turn up the heat, but it makes this position feel so deeply intimate. It builds tension and trust, helps you sync up without saying a word, and brings you fully into the moment. If it feels overwhelming, try soft glances or take breaks. There’s no one right way to connect. You can also lend a hand or bring in a toy when you’re ready to switch things up.
2. The Sacred Spoon
Lie side by side, both facing the same direction in a spooning position. Stay pressed together, but let your hands focus on yourselves and your own pleasure. This is a great position to start in if you’re just beginning to dip your toes into mutual masturbation, since there is little to no eye contact. It removes the pressure to “perform” and allows you to focus on your own pleasure, all while being able to hear and feel your partner. When you’re ready, you can turn toward each other or lend a hand, which makes the anticipation sexy as ever.
3. Lotus Bloom
Sit with one partner cross-legged or propped up against a headboard or wall while the other straddles their lap. Start to explore your own bodies while staying close. Since you’re face-to-face, this position builds heat without rushing anything. It also works great with toys, which can take some pressure off, make everything feel more intense, and help you stay in the pleasure longer.
4. Divine Reflection
Stand or kneel side by side in front of a full-length mirror. Face forward and use fingers or a toy to stimulate yourself while watching both of your reflections. Bodies can be close or spaced apart depending on what feels comfortable. There’s no need for direct touch or eye contact in this position, which makes it another great option for beginners. According to Dr. Berkheimer, mirror play can help you build confidence in your body, which will be so sexy for the other to witness.
Sydney Cox, Contributing Sex & Relationships Writer
Sydney Cox is a Chicago-based writer and intimacy coordinator who is passionate about exploring the complexities of human connections and teaching readers to advocate for themselves. Sydney’s work has been featured in various publications, where they aim to foster open and honest conversations.
The post This Steamy Technique Taught My Partner Exactly How to Please Me appeared first on The Everygirl.
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