Growing up, I absorbed the idea that sex should always be spontaneous, often, and as cinematic as Allie and Noah in The Notebook. It was the script I was given in everything when it came to relationships. Obviously, the older I got, the more I realized how far that fantasy is from real life. In real life, sex is influenced by more than just social class and familial pressures. For most of us, it’s layered in between everyday stressors like work, kids, mental health, and breaking away from past relationship traumas. All of it can shape how often we have sex, and what it looks like when we do.
Even with more cultural pushes toward sexual transparency, I still wonder why it always feels like the world is continuously having sex more often, more effortlessly, and more passionately, all the time, with zero struggle. It’s easy to stumble over those internalized romance tropes when questions like these linger. But I’ve learned the best way to also break free of the fictional ideals is to stay curious, informed, and to keep talking about sex welcomingly, all the time.
In an effort to do just that, our team asked over 130 readers to get candid with us about how often they are having sex. Not what they assume or think they “should” be doing, but what they are actually experiencing. Read on for more on how often women are having sex, if they are generally happy with their sex lives, and what we learned from their truths.
Readers shared only one common theme: sex looks different for all of them
After reading the responses, there was only one constant theme we noticed in women’s sex lives: they are all different. Just as unique and individualized as the people in them, there is no “normal” for how often women should or should not be having sex. Something we already wanted to believe as true, of course, but seeing the responses physically there, in community, made it feel so undeniably real.
Some women shared they are totally content with their sex lives, while others admitted they still struggle with the pressure to make sex feel passionate and consistent. Some prefer to have sex daily or 2-3 times a week (36% of readers), while others are satisfied having sex monthly, a few times a year, or not at all (30.2% of readers). It just goes to show how layered this conversation still is, with something to be seen from all sides of the sex spectrum. As you continue reading, you may notice a lot of us are sitting with the same things too.
Most women had something they wanted to change about their sex lives
Even if they reported they were generally satisfied, 72% of readers still had notes for improvement in how often they were having sex, or the kind of sex they were having. Whether it was wanting to spice up their sex frequency, have more time to be spontaneous, or add sex toys to the mix, these women had thoughts. “I wish it were more frequent and that we experimented more,” says Michaela, 29. “It’s hard to keep up with it when we’re tired from work. Scheduling does help a lot and gives us something to look forward to.”
Other women confessed they wanted to add another person on the side, even though they love their boyfriend. “The sexual component of the relationship feels unfulfilling,” said Megan, 32. “I know I can scratch that itch through other people.” Jenna, 30, also shared that they would like sex if it were more frequent, longer, and had a bit more variety. It’s conversations like these that continue to speak to a larger pattern of women’s needs not always being met. We know we want change, but knowing how to act on that change can feel isolating or impossible.
“I wish we had sex more often, but it’s hard because I’m on oral birth control and he’s on an antidepressant, both of which decrease libido.”
The mind and the body aren’t always in sync
One reader shared that they take antidepressant pills, which have decreased their sexual desire significantly. “It makes me feel like I am no longer a woman who loves, enjoys, and needs sex. I feel like a robot, and it doesn’t help my relationship… I wish I could stop taking my antidepressant just so I can get my desire back.”
This can be a common experience for a lot of sexually active women who are also on antidepressants. In fact, a recent study showed one in six women in the United States take some form of antidepressants, with a large portion of patients reporting some disturbance in their sexual function while taking. Another woman added with a similar experience by saying, “I wish we had sex more often, but it’s hard because I’m on oral birth control and he’s on an antidepressant, both of which decrease libido. I wish we did it more often but I also am not always in the mood to actually execute it.”
Others willingly shared past traumas like religious upbringings and abusive relationships as mental blockers in the bedroom as well. “My partner struggles with his relationship with sex. I try to be as supportive as possible, and he’s in therapy, which is helpful, but it often puts me in a weird and isolated position,” says Vanessa, 28. “Over time, it’s become clear that when I initiate sex, it often triggers some insecure feelings in him…. we try to talk openly about how things are and understand each other, but it’s hard, especially when we haven’t had sex in a while.”
Heterosexual women want sex just as much as men, but it gets complicated
There is a persistent cultural annoyance that, in heterosexual relationships, men are the ones who crave sex more than women. But the reality for a lot of heterosexual relationships in our survey tells a much different story. Even for the 40% of women in a relationship (dating or married) who claimed sex was more often instigated by their partner—their responses as to why just go to prove it’s not about women’s lack of desire, but rather what gets in the way of that desire. Whether that be fear of rejection or confidence, sex is much more complex than what is commonly perceived.
“I want to sleep with a different guy every week—at least at this point in my life.”
Morgan, 28, shared that they wish they were less self-conscious. “He is honestly the first person I’ve ever truly been comfortable with having sex, and I still find myself being shy about things at times.” Other women like Kaitlyn, 32, confessed they wished they were much braver when it came to sex. “I want to sleep with a different guy every week—at least at this point in my life. But when I finally work up the courage to post a suggestive profile on tinder, I’m usually phasing out of my horny emotions. I go back to feeling neutral and become more invested in other projects.”
Masturbation isn’t always separate from sex; rather, it’s a part of it
When we asked women how often they masturbate, the answer was simple: a lot of them do. Our survey showed that 75% of women said they masturbate at least once a month or more, some being a few times a week, others daily. And while it’s tempting to look at a percentage like this and slap a “normal” label on it, the fact to remember is that women masturbate different amounts, and all are valid. Around 15.9% of women also shared that they masturbate a few times or year, and 9% said they never masturbate at all.
Many women also noted that incorporating masturbation in their partnered sex helped increase their pleasure as well. Natalie specifically shared that using vibrators as part of foreplay has helped them orgasm more frequently. Jenn, 23, added that during sex, she and her partner will often do oral and penetrative sex until he finishes, then she will finish with a vibrator. For a lot of women, incorporating masturbation into partnered sex leaves them sexually satisfied and with positive experiences. Some interesting and motivating context for what happens when women know exactly what they want, when they want it, and helpful insight for others who might be figuring it out.
It can be hard to prioritize sex when everything else feels more important
“It would be nice if we had more sex, but we also have three kids, so I’ve come to conclude once a week is sufficient for this phase of life,” says Brooke, 38. Another reader—Sophie, 30—added that they do wish they were having sex more, but it can be a lot to balance. “Realistically, we are both incredibly busy, and he works a very taxing job both mentally and physically. Locking up for a weekend of sex with nothing else taking away from it doesn’t seem to be realistic for most people at this stage of life.”
Other women like Julie, 27, added to the conversation by saying, “I am in grad school, and a stressful period of life. Sex is a way to reconnect and relax… but it needs to be scheduled to some extent. It’s just not our #1 priority right now.” For these women, we learned that the desire for sex isn’t necessarily absent—life just feels a bit louder, inadvertently putting sex on the back burner. Kara, 31, also shared a similar story—that they are always down for more sex, but between work and life, sometimes it just isn’t a priority.
When women feel seen, it helps the initiation process feel smoother
Laura, 30, says she is not good at initiating because she feels awkward, “even as a married woman,” and doesn’t feel sexy. This was another popular theme in our survey. When asked if there was anything she would change about her sex life, Ashley, 27, also said that she wants to become “more in touch with my feminine intimacy.”
“Realistically, we are both incredibly busy, and he works a very taxing job both mentally and physically. Locking up for a weekend of sex with nothing else taking away from it doesn’t seem to be realistic for most people at this stage of life.”
For other women, they wish that sex could be talked about more openly and curiously—without shame or judgment—in their circles as well. Carly, 38, shared that she is still navigating how to share with her friends that she’s in a polyamorous relationship. “I would like to feel fully confident about my choice of poly relationships, but I have my own mixed feelings, even though I really love both my partners.” Alex, 35, adds that she also wishes she could be more open about sex with friends.
For a lot of these women, feeling sexy and confident starts with simply feeling seen. It can make all the difference in staying connected with their sexual confidence. Proving to us that sometimes, initiating sex is more than just about having physical confidence—it’s being visible to your partner.
When you find a sexual frequency that works, it really works
While some women came to this survey with some notes, other women shared the amazing things that work for them. With comments ranging from “multiple orgasms” all the time to “my needs are very well met,” the women who get it are really getting it. Olivia shares that she and her husband have been open and trying new things in the bedroom, and it’s been such a positive learning experience. “Figuring out what we like and don’t like has made it easier for us to communicate during sex.” Devin, 28, adds that “it used to be extremely inconsistent, but now we are much more intentional with our time. Not forcing it if either of us isn’t 100% feeling it.”
Autumn also gave some perspective when asked if they were happy with their sex frequency, saying that after being with a partner with a lower sex drive for years, they made a priority to find a partner whose sex drive better aligns with theirs. Now in a new relationship, Autumn feels that she and her partner are very “receptive to each other.”
To those who are still struggling, these women are a gentle reminder that sex can feel good again, even if it doesn’t feel like it now. A happy sex life is still on the table; it just takes time to learn your needs and how to best meet them. But when it works, it really, really works.
Editor’s note: Names have been changed to protect identities
Madigan Will, Assistant Editor
As an Assistant Editor for The Everygirl, Madigan writes and edits content for every topic under the digital media sun. As the oldest of four siblings, she enjoys utilizing her big sister persona to connect and inspire readers—helping them discover new ways to maximize their everyday.
Feature graphic images credited to: Anna Tarazevich | Pexels
The post We Asked Real Women How Often They Have Sex—Here’s What They Said appeared first on The Everygirl.
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